There comes a point in a young mans life where he realises he's not going to be a young man for much longer. He may try to ignore this fact, hide from it, attempt to delay the inevitable, but he cannot escape it. Peter Pan is just a story, but there is a strong Peter Pan narrative amongst the male gay community. Who wants to be old and gay? According to Peter Wells, 24 is the age where 'cute' is out and 'MAN' is in. This scares me. I've always relied on being cute to get me......everything! What Am I going to do when my vile of cuteness runs out and I'm left to rely on.....being.......a man?
The youngest of my mother's children alerted me to the fact that he would be turning 18 in December, and I would be turning 23. This boy has always been my 'baby' brother. I remember looking at 23yr olds when I was 18. They were so wise and mature, they had worldly experience, confidence and control. At least, that was my perception of them.
If those 23yr olds were anything like me they certainly weren't the figures of confident masculine maturity I envisaged them to be, and they probably didn't feel much older than 18. How could I have changed so much in only four years? I really am not the same person I was but I still don't feel much older, certainly not emotionally. My face has developed, my hairline changed and my body grown ever so slightly more muscular but I still feel like a little boy. I feel like my ship has come to a halt in a still and foggy sea. I don't know where to go from here. It may just be that I have a cold and can't breathe very well but I feel as though I'm suffocating. I need something to happen. Someone to happen. Somone exciting, and older, to help guide me. A man. I don't want to keep ending up with boys four years younger than me who think I'm their own age, or even boys my own age who may or may not feel four years younger than they are.
A good friend of mine is leaving to teach English in Japan in a couple of months. At first, I found this exciting, as did he. Now it just seems scary. He's depressed, he's nervous and he's walking into a position of responsibility in a country where he doesn't even speak the language. And as far as our friendship goes, I think he'll be dead to me. Another friend left to the UK at about the same time last year. I haven't heard from him in months.
Discussing this major life change with my friend got me contemplating my own situation. I don't want to end up in Middle Management. I will get into post grad. I will become a health professional. I need to travel, to see things, experience other people. I need to apply myself and strive towards goals and achievements. I will see the world, own a house and do it with or without a partner. Its going to happen.
Ha, when I started writing this I was feeling awfully despondent about my situation. Now I'm feeling a lot better.